Life Success Habits


Relationships and Emotional Intelligence


Emotional Intelligence is a combination of:

  • Self-awareness
  • Self-management
  • Social awareness [empathy]
  • Relationship management


Much of the success you have in relationships, depends upon your emotional intelligence, as it largely defines the way in which you view other people, interpret what they are saying to you, and your responses.

Read the following statements on the EI continuum and select that which best fits your personality:

1. You hurt people at will, and do not feel compelled to give it another thought or to apologise. In your mind, it is always their fault. This is regarded as 'unconscious incompetence.' - you don't know what you don't know, a type of ignorance that may either be subconscious or of which you are totally aware.

2. You hurt people at will, recognise it, regret it some time later, but still tend not to apologise. You prefer to live with the guilt as you prefer to stay away from the victim and let them deal with it. This indicates you operate in a state of 'conscious incompetence.' You are becoming more socially aware, yet are not managing your social interactions with maturity.

3. You hurt people "unintentionally" and recognise straight away that you have done so. You are then not confident in dealing with the situation or how to help either party come to some sort of resolution. You generally do feel guilty, but are still in the 'consciously incompetent' stage.

4. You hurt people without meaning to, regret it straight away, and later try to remedy it. This indicates a transition from 'conscious incompetence' to 'conscious competence' in the realm of social awareness and self-management.

5. You are aware you are about to hurt someone and adjust your behaviour or the situation before you are tempted to do so. You are 'consciously competent' with others' feelings. You catch the words as or before they escape forever.

6. You do not hurt others, and safeguard the feelings of others. People feel emotionally safe with you. You are 'unconsciously competent', having mastered the skill of reflecting in the moment.

If you identify yourself mainly in the:

5/6 range - you are demonstrating what could be called 'distinctive' EI competence. Your character is well groomed, and quite rate. You have the self-awareness and social competence that is highly sought after. You leave a good impression on others; they notice you are different from most people. Other recognise you to be respectful, friendly, mature, and considerate. Just maintain your EI, however.

3/4 range - you are certainly on the right track. EI can be developed, so search for new ways to become more self aware of your effect on others and respond quickly if you recognise you have hurt someones feelings. You will find it helpful to attend a leadership program, mentoring, or read EI-style books. Your EI awareness provides you with sufficient insight to recognise the lessons given. Daniel Goleman (1995, 1998) is one of the foremost gurus on the subject.

1/2 range - you may be highly intelligence academically and still score extremely low in EI. IQ and EQ are totally different measures.

If you notice that you seem to struggle to earn and maintain relationships, learning more about EI is a great place to start. Not only will it improve your self insight, it will eventually improve your quality of life - and that of others.

Low EI is common in 'powerful' people - they are often irresponsible with their power, and do not understand the negative impact they have on others. Power is a treasure that must be invested wisely, otherwise it ceases to grow. Use power to inspire, rather than dictate.

You need to learn about EI and accept that if someone suggests you are hurtful, even if you do not see it yourself, you need to recognise that you 'do not know, that you do not know' and listen to what they have to say. You need help!



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